There was a time in my life when I felt strongly that God was leading me to date a particular woman from my church. She was deeply committed to her faith; in my mind, she seemed like the kind of person God would want me to be with. But there was a problem—I wasn’t physically attracted to her, leaving me torn.
I wrestled with this for a long time, uncertain whether God was speaking to me or just my mind. It wasn’t about whether I trusted God but whether I trusted myself to discern between my thoughts and something coming from Him. But what if I was making it up? At one point, I approached her and told her what I was struggling with, hoping she would provide clarity. But all she said was, “That’s between you and God.” That didn’t make things easier. Instead, it left me feeling angry towards her, more uncertain, more guilty, and more confused about whether I was ignoring God’s will or overthinking everything.
My question was always: Is this just my mind saying what I think God is telling me, or is it actually God telling me? That uncertainty left me anxious and guilty. Some people say that if something is uncomfortable or chaotic, then it is not from God. However, what about Job, Moses, or Paul? Their paths were anything but easy, yet God was clearly leading them.
How It Affected Me for Years
That situation didn’t just disappear—it lingered in my mind for years. Whenever I faced a big decision about following what I thought God was telling me, the same fear crept in: What if I’m making up what I think God is telling me? What if I make a bad decision and have to live with the consequences? The weight of uncertainty became paralyzing at times.
It also affected how I approached prayer. I found myself hesitant to pray deeply, afraid that if I truly listened, I’d hear something that was a life changer. What if He asked me to make a sacrifice that would have? Avoiding prayer altogether became easier than risking wrestling with those thoughts.
This fear didn’t just apply to relationships—it extended to other areas of life. When I felt like God might be telling me to give something away or make a major change, I was stuck in the same cycle of doubt. Was it really Him, or just my thoughts? And if I ignored it, was I being disobedient? The guilt and second-guessing never seemed to go away.
I would end up with analysis paralysis, completely stuck, overthinking every possibility, and that would lead to even more guilt and anxiety. I felt trapped, not by a bad decision but by the fear of making one in the first place.
How I Need to See This Now
Looking back, I realize that I’ve been carrying a burden that God never intended for me to carry. The fear of getting it wrong has overshadowed the trust that even if I do get it wrong, God’s grace is bigger than my mistakes. He’s not waiting to punish me for every misstep—He’s leading me, growing me, and teaching me along the way.
I’ve come to understand that obedience is not about blind, fearful submission. It’s about trust. Sometimes, trusting God means trusting that He is patient with me, allows me to walk forward without terror, and always works things together for my good—even when I don’t have absolute clarity.
That’s why the simple prayer from AA resonates so much with me: God, help me to be willing to be willing. It acknowledges that I’m not always ready to leap into obedience, but I can ask God to work in me, to shift my heart, and to lead me in His timing.
Supporting Biblical Verses
Philippians 1:6 – Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Psalm 32:8 – I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I no longer have to live in fear of making the wrong choice. Instead, I can focus on trusting God—not just with my obedience, but with my uncertainties, doubts, and growing process. The next time I feel stuck, instead of spiraling into guilt and hesitation, I want to pray: God, help me to be willing to be willing. Because I know He’s not trying to trap me in a perfect decision—He’s guiding me in love.
Amen brother.